: Kvetchers :

Buddy Bee Anthony
kvetches about his sacrifice for world peace Audio

Kvetchers Rich Alcott
Kvetchers Rich Alcott Kvetchers Rich Alcott

RICH ALCOTT: If God said to you, you’ve got a choice, man, you can have world peace if you want it — you want world peace, right?

BUDDY BEE ANTHONY: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t be sure if God was actually speaking to me or if it was some other entity, but let’s just say it’s God.

RICH: All right, some higher power —

BUDDY BEE: OK, let’s say it’s a higher power — sounds good.

RICH: — a higher power of some sort — Mitt Romney ...

BUDDY BEE (laughing): Newt Gingrich.

RICH: All right, Newt. A higher power comes to you and says —

(Wind kicks up, blows a dollar out of Buddy Bee’s busking cup and carries it off down the sidewalk and out of sight down the block.)

RICH: Uh oh, there’s goes a dollar bill —

BUDDY BEE: Where’d it go?

RICH: It blew down the sidewalk into the street.

. . .

RICH: All right, so this higher power says to you, Buddy Bee, you can have world peace, but you’ve gotta give up your pizza, your beer and your football. That’s the choice, Buddy. What are you gonna say to that?

BUDDY BEE: Well, first of all, I’m lactose intolerant, so pizza wouldn’t be too hard to give up. Beer is corrosive, so, you know, I’m not really a big beer drinker. I try to be an alcoholic. In fact, I really tried hard at trying to be an alcoholic. I just couldn’t quite do it. I puke before I get drunk. And football — well, there’s too many rules in football now. I used to like it when there weren’t any rules and guys used to give clotheslines, you know, people would try to cripple each other. Now, they’re playing all nice with each other. You know, it’s like, they’ve got all these new rules in football where you can’t really do this or that to the opponent —

RICH: This proposition’s still on the table, Buddy Bee. It’s pizza, beer and football in exchange for world peace.

BUDDY BEE: World peace. Well, you know —

RICH: It’s not that hard a choice —

BUDDY BEE: Let’s see — if I could have a piece of the whole world — no. Everybody wants the world. Everybody wants to have the power over other people. Humanity is basically corrupt. We want power over one another. Power gives us influence. Influence is something that people are very interested in as humans. We have power over almost every other creature. We can kill almost every other animal. I don’t see world peace as an option. I mean, to be really honest with you, I don’t see world peace as something we can ever attain. How many minutes of peace have we had in the last millennium? Five minutes maybe? Ten minutes?

RICH: It just ain’t natural, is it?

BUDDY BEE: I just don’t think it is. It’s just not human. I mean, I’d like to give you a better answer. I’m gonna have to go with the football.

RICH: Football. You’re gonna give up football for world peace.

BUDDY BEE: I would give up football for world peace, yes, I would —

RICH: Since you don’t eat pizza and you don’t drink beer, then —

BUDDY BEE: I don’t think football’s in any danger.